Dealing with T.O.B.Y – The Other Bit of You


We all have parts of ourselves which we intensely hate, desperately deny or seek to suppress wholesale. Sometimes it’s a way of thinking, an energetic legacy you’re ashamed of or a part of yourself that seems to contradict all that you stand for.

We often call this our ‘Shadow’ side or ‘Dark’ Side – terms which I don’t quite use in this way as there are certain forms of healing, nurture and profound reconnection with Spirit that can only take place in the more sacred understanding / space of Darkness. It’s not something that you banish with the Light lest you seek to erase your own cosmic, biological and energetic origins. It’s a very different energy from what one might call malevolence or evil – just to be clear, for those of you new to my work.

You find it when you gaze at the stars, when you swim with your eyes closed in the ocean, when you lie down on the floor of a cave, when you nestle in your Mother’s womb. Sacred moments in Sacred Spaces of Darkness.

So what to call this side? The parts that you’re trying hard to stuff in the spiritual wardrobe? Let’s just call it – The Other Bit of You (Apologies to the TOBY-s of the world).

Some might prefer the strategy of denial, which often ropes in that classic crowd favourite … ‘self-sabotage’. Others might stride in with self-righteous courage and seek to banish T.O.B.Y, or flood it with healing light. Another opted-for strategy is self-punishment, where you’re aware of it, and keep beating yourself up for being a ‘bad’ person.

Having done all of the above — speaking for myself here — none of that worked in the long run.

Pretending I didn’t have those bits, feeling sad/bad I had them, casting them away whilst perched on my high ethical/moral steed didn’t quite cut it. I’m sure humanity has found other ways to deal with their Tobies … but you get the gist.

The only thing that did work was Acceptance. There was just no way around it.

I had to be able to look in a mirror and see – both the parts of me that I did love, and those that I didn’t.

And to be okay with that. To come to peace with it.

And in that process, with myself as well.

For you see – over time – The Other Bit of You stops being ‘The Other’ .. .and all you have … at the end … is just You. It doesn’t go away, but you realize that it is a part of you that you do not need to be controlled by or to shy away from.

Many of us do the same time we see an old self, a memory, and realize that who we were back then is not the same as who we are now. It’s a similar process, I find, in dealing with the parts that we dislike about ourselves.

Eventually, once we’ve reached the state where we can simply Accept the Self for ALL that it is, I’m sure we’ll each find a new chapter opening in our continuing journey with the Divine.

Remember that each of us faces this question at some point in life, and very often, we judge ourselves far harsher than we need to.

There is no such thing as the ‘perfect’ , ‘flawless’ person who has never done anything wrong in their life! Try not to judge yourselves by impossible standards đŸ™‚

To Sum it Up:

Practice Compassion, Forgiveness and Acceptance – starting with You!


Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam PhD

Image Info: Woman in front of a Mirror, Mose Bianchi.jpg [Public Domain, Wikimedia Commons]

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