Recent weeks have really opened up a whole new chapter in my life and my Understanding of Spirit. I began my journey as a Priestess in the Service of the Dark Mother (which – for new readers – has absolutely nothing to do with Evil). I thought that my role was to speak out for the re-institution of the tradition of the Priestess, and the many discriminatory practices that surround so many faith-based practices and texts. I still see that as my role, but the way I interpret it has changed dramatically.
These changes began in Nepal, when I both died and fell in Love with a sacred site to Lord Shiva I found through pure instinct (with no conscious clues of any description). Something in me could no longer exclusively identify with a Female conception of Divinity as somehow superior to the male. Or to ignore that aspect of Spirit. Lord Shiva has always featured in my life some how, but it was that experience that really cemented the indivisibility between the Masculine, the Feminine and my Path.
Recently, another shift has happened. God and Goddess made sense before – and now they don’t – not in the same way they did before. The balance of dual energies seemed like the pinnacle, and now they just seem like one part of many. Deities, and demigods that seemed to be the end-all, now look as though they are intermediate facilitators – or perhaps partial reflections – of a more Transcendental Energy.
I don’t deny their existence or their value in the spiritual path, only that they occupy a different space in my understanding of the Cosmos than they did before. An in some way, that re-framing makes their Presence even more palpable.
Rather than looking for the Divine ‘out there’, my focus has always been within. Despite my academic background, the direction of my spiritual growth has rarely been through the Mind to the Heart, but from the Womb to the Heart to the Mind – in the spirit of a very feminine process of gnosis. So not so much about the abstract concepts or the words or ideologies, but all of this knowing and re-knowing and learning and un-learning has been prompted by whatever spiritual Curriculum my Soul chose to manifest. And for me the guide or pathway to this understanding has been through the Dark Goddess – particularly in her Crone Aspect.
The more I realize, the less I ‘know’. I hope that makes sense. All of this is felt change, change the body and the womb stir me into re-membering, rather than the rationalizing attempts of a mind. But the more I feel, the more logical it seems. And this whole Rational-Emotional divide seems less and less relevant.
Perhaps I’m at the start of what many are calling 5D evolution? Perhaps my consciousness is beginning to understand what lies beyond dualism? Maybe even a glimpse of Reality behind the Veil?
Who knows. I’m just going with the flow. And not letting me get ahead of myself. There’s too much for me to discover for me to assume that I can authoritatively say ‘This Is It’.
So I’ve been thinking about how to define myself and my path – as it is now, and believe you me – it will evolve — And here are the key components of it so to speak:
(1) Authenticity: If it isn’t you, don’t do it, don’t be it. Just be you.
(2) Vulnerability: If it hides you away from your wounds (healing and transcending is a different process), then something’s up – if it gives you a false sense of superiority, invincibility or security – then something’ s definitely up
(3) Integrity & Honesty (Related to Authenticity, but not quite the same thing – you could be an Authentic Jerk… )
(4) Non-permanence and Formlessness: The Universe is a pretty big place. I doubt Divinity looks Human, if it has a shape at all. With so much going on, and Energy shifting the way it does (call it Spirit) — I would somehow be uncomfortable with an idea of a Stable, Eternal, Absolute Truth for a Universe essentially Dancing in Motion as we speak.
(5) (Seeming) Paradox – To see the Formless through Form. To see Spirit through Matter. To work with Energy within the confines of Matter.
(6) Relentless Questioning – The fact my spiritual path survives my constant questioning is a sign that … I’m probably doing what I need to be doing.
Again, these are ideas to be expanded upon. Not quite my priestess manifesto …
And they will evolve. But they’ve moved on to the point where I can safely say:
That I am a Priestess on the Path of Formlessness, as taught to me by the Dark Mother. I love God as I love Goddess: They are two parts of Many that make up the Whole.
You might ask – why still use the ‘Title’ of Priestess – why make that distinction? Truth be told, someday, we will all realize the Divinity within us – and will need no intermediaries or facilitators. Until that day we will still require a label, title or marker to simply describe what we (facilitators) do.
As we collectively shift, we are unearthing so many divisions and distinctions that have kept so many away from a recognition of their Innate Divinity. (And here’s where Paradox enters…) Like the being who has incarnated to dissolve a karmic seed, and must fully express that desire before it can be released – I feel that we must honor, recognize and allow all Forms of Form to flourish, before we release the need for them in their entirety.
Sadly, the Priestess-hood and the right of Woman to hold any Divine status is still challenged today. And the work that I do serves to bring that Form into full realization once more, before it can all be (ultimately) Dissolved. When that day comes (and if I’m still in the cycle or birth-rebirth) I shall no longer use that title to describe my work as it will no longer be required.
But till then …..
This is Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam, PhD
Some articles of mine which talk about different aspects of this … Path of Formlessness. Others have of course written and spoken about this in different ways. I can, however, only speak for myself.
The Formless Feminine – The Dark Mother Who Led Me To This Path – Dhumavati-Ma: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/08/dhum-dhum-dhumavati-the-formless-shakti-of-smoke-detachment-priestess-bairavee-balasubramaniam-phd/
The Divine Does not Discriminate: http://wp.me/p4OUNS-7m
A Wake Up Call from My Brain: http://wp.me/p4OUNS-7u
Detachment and the Illusion of Form: http://wp.me/p4OUNS-5S
Dissolution: Maya Un-Masked – http://wp.me/p4OUNS-6G
Image Information: Ashes in the Wind 1996.jpg – By Richard Rappaport (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons