FEEDING THE BOTTOMLESS PIT: When Nurturing becomes an invitation to Codependency.

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Every single being consciously in search of ‘the spiritual’ has come upon the question of just how to much to give, and whether, if at all, to expect something in return. We dance around this question when we invoke stories of saints who were martyred without expecting anything in turn, and when we declare that we are entitled to some form of energy exchange for our time, work, and presence. There are different answers to this question, and I invite you to find the one that resonates with you.
I have seen, in myself, and in spiritualists whom I utterly and absolutely respect, the tendency to conflate being ‘nurturing’ and ‘of service’, with … absolutely crossing into the BS that is codependency. That is essentially when we devote our energies to the nurture and care of another, whilst neglecting ourselves, in the hope that they will fulfill some deep need or longing within.
I call it BS, in retrospect, because it really does look that way when you realize your own worth – and a moment of clarity arises, asking – what on earth did I think I was doing? But for those caught in the energy sink that is codependency, it’s a painful process and one that constantly challenges the depths of our self worth, and whether we truly believe we will find the nurture that we are entitled to. I take a lot of inspiration from Robin Norwood’s Women who Love too Much – a book that has saved my life, and the lives of countless men and women who have been unable to distinguish healthy forms of nurture with nurture that ultimately feeds the fears (of the self-and-other), perpetuating a very damaging process.
In spiritual discourse, we are called to practice compassion and forgiveness and that is absolutely legitimate, valid and necessary. However, we forget to begin with ourselves. As some of us drain ourselves to fit to certain ideals of service, we end up running on empty. Resentment fills the void as does the question of ‘I’m doing so much, but why, oh why, is _______ not taking caring of me in turn? You could fill that blank with ‘The Divine’, ‘The Universe’, ‘God or Goddess’, ‘your partner’s name’, and so on.
When you’ve reached that point, where you have given just as much as you can give – you have a choice of breaking away from the cycle (which is tough for many, but hard work over time pays off), or of getting even deeper into it – meaning that you’ll force yourself into some kind of energetic crisis that will force you to shift into a healthier vibration. Some people get it right the first time, and others take many years to get there – that just depends on the baggage you’re carrying and whether you’ve done the ‘inner work’ in preparation of the shift.
I stress ‘inner’ because there is only so far your conscious mind can adhere to mantras of self-nurture, self-love and empowerment without requiring a deeper shift in your sub-conscious to make a lasting change. Mantras, facilitations, gemstones, NLP and other tools can help – but, as I have found – it takes a powerful amount of internal change for such changes to actually manifest in all aspects of your lives.
This has been a post I’ve been wanting to write for several years now and it seems particularly relevant with the astrology of Vesta in Pisces opposed the North Node in Virgo, tying into much of the Spiritual Shifts that many are experiencing now. I hope you find it relevant on your journey, and as always – stick with it if it resonates, let it go if it doesn’t. Your awakening will happen on the timeline, in the way you have chosen to let it.
Two friends of mine essentially ended up asking me the same question not too long ago, namely: How do I know when I’ve given enough, or when I’m already giving too much? (And yes, Nurture and energy is something that comes from Infinite Spirit, true, but you’re still in charge of the vessel that channels it…)
I immediately replied, “when what you give feeds fear and insecurity”. That can apply to you, or the person you’re giving your energy to, or both.
It’s a simple metric, and obviously a general principle that needs a nuanced application of itself – that comes with time, experience and the habit of self-love. But I find it a powerful question to pose to the Self, to the most powerful relationships in a person’s life, and even to the relationship between the facilitator and the facilitated.
If you find that your best efforts to making someone feel safe, loved, or wanted are simply reinforcing those fears – perhaps it’s time to step back a little, rethink and regroup. Rather than seeing this as a ‘selfish’ act, perhaps it’s better to think of it as ‘self-centered’, which is fine. Are we not parts of the Universe experiencing consciousness? Is our frame of mind, health, well-being and sanity, any less than another’s?
Key questions to ask, and answer. In some cases, you will find that an open-hearted discussion can truly smooth the way for a better partnership, and in others, you will find that walking away will free you-and-whoever-you’re-dealing-with from a damaging, vicious cycle of energetic loss and imbalance.
This is something that just about everyone in the world has faced as part of their journey of spiritual evolution. It’s not a sign that you’re terribly broken, or a victim of your thoughts – it simply means that you too, are human, as are the people with whom you learn these lessons.
It’s okay to walk away, be there, do whatever you feel is right – but at the end of the day, as best you can … it’s probably a good idea to be as kind and articulate about it as possible. Whether the other person gets you is – essentially – their deal, not yours.
Keep questioning people, ideas and things that make you feel bad about not giving up your needs for another. And the more you challenge this stereotype, the more you will discover a healthier form of self-nurture evolving alongside compassion for others.
You might ask how all the Ascended Beings we look up to practice such extreme levels of compassion without being selfish (a common term that the ego-mind uses to downplay the need for self-care). What I found is that their mastery of self-love was a prerequisite to their compassion for others. These Masters could withstand anything and everything the external world threw at them precisely because no one and nothing could shake their core of self-love. When you reach THAT point, you’re in a whole different league, my friends.
At least that’s my take on it – puts a very different spin to things, doesn’t it?
Priestess B. Bairavee ( www.bairaveebalasubramaniam.com )
The Sky Priestess
Image: Fear, by Maria Yakunchikova Русский: Мария Якунчикова ([1]) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons
Post © Bairavee Balasubramaniam, 2015. All rights reserved.
** Please note that none of the information presented here is meant to replace advice from a medical, healthcare, legal and/or other professional. How you choose to act upon the advice given is entirely based on your own free will. By engaging with this work, you also accept the author’s non-liability for any consequences that may emerge from reading this work. You also accept that any part of this work can be used for non-commercial purposes with proper citation to the author and her websitewww.bairaveebalasubramaniam.com, T&Cs apply.

SUN-NORTH NODE CONJUNCTION, 19 Lib 12′, October 12 2014, 10:38 pm, GMT + 8


Blessings all! The Near Grand Sextile is activated and the Sun is now conjunct the North Node! This is an annual event of immense significance energetically and astrologically.

The North Node of the Moon is known as Rahu, or the Dragon’s/Serpent’s Head in other systems of astrology (e.g. Vedic, etc.). It represents a place of inexperience for a soul, an area or avenue through which further growth is possible.

The South Node of the Moon is known as Ketu, or the Dragon’s/Serpent’s Tail. It represents a place of familiarity or prior experience from previous incarnations.

The North Node represents the Direction we are to take, the South Node represents the Fallback point (into old habits, behaviors, expectations, patterns) that we may entrench ourselves in fearing change. There are many gifts and strengths to be also found in the South Node position, gifts which can be applied into the unfamiliar territory represented by the North Node. You could think of the North Node as the Direction for Greatest Soul Growth, whereas the Soul Node represents the Position of Greatest Stagnation or Entrenchment.

At this time, the North Node and the Sun are both at 19 Libra (and naturally, as the two are perfectly opposed, the South Node is at 19 Aries).

So what do we make of the Sun-North Node conjunction (or Sun-South Node opposition)?

The Sun represents the Light of Consciousness and also the flow of Spirit through our individuated Souls, Minds, Egos, Bodies and Being (according to astrologer Raymond Merriman). In Libra, the flow of Spirit is focused upon the ways in which we (Self) exist in relation to Others. It focuses upon the partnerships and collaborations which we find ourselves in at home or at work.

I see this energy as also addressing the Shadow Side of the Self which seeks integration in one’s Consciousness. For very often, we seek partners who exhibit qualities which we feel we do not or cannot possess – and so – at a subtle level – we seek to recognize those parts of ourselves through the process of mirroring one another.

With the Sun in this sign, the emphasis is on the choices we make in partnership, and also upon recognizing the play of light, dark, rainbow, gray, etc. within ourselves. It is a call for the wisdom and vision of detachment in which all sides are considered before judgement is made, and if required, justice meted.

The North Node indicates that this exercise of self-recognition, and the valuation of self, particularly in partnerships, etc. represents the greatest direction for Soul Growth at this time. It is a time to learn how to assert yourself and understand your own needs as part of a larger union. And to do so in a way that honors and values the principles of balance, harmony and equality.

The South Node in Aries, on the other hand, is all too aware of the Self, and is in need of recognizing ‘The Other’ as an equally valuable, and necessary part of Existence. Libran energy may seek to hide its own self-recognition in the identities of others, whilst Arian energy may seek to overly assert itself so as to avoid the need for the recognition of others and their needs, in the first place. Both signs do so as to avoid facing crises of fundamental crises in identity, or deeply rooted insecurities.

Essentially: Where Libra may be afraid to be seen as an individual, Aries fears getting lost in a crowd or becoming invisible.

With this current placement, know that individuals may be very polarized in their engagement with both energies. One party may be all too accommodating to another which essentially decides that it’s ‘their way or the highway’, etc. The key here is not to essentially to give up self/give into another person’s wishes – it is to find a centred place of self-assertion – without getting too aggressive about it.

It’s also about using the conscious energy of the Sun to choose which partnerships best suit you in the current part of your journey, and which do not. Which partnerships allow you to be the best you can be, and which bring you down? Why do certain dynamics keep occurring? Is there something about yourself that you are in denial of? Something you could do with addressing? etc.

These are some of the questions you could address right now. Food for thought, at the very least.

Intuitively, with the combination of the Near Grand Sextile in the sky and this Sun-North Node Conjunction, I feel as though the Universe is giving us a great opportunity to rapidly work through past karmic lessons and move into a whole new chapter of our journeys at this time. Do not be afraid to draw upon the strengths of the South Node (self-assertiveness, conviction, passion, etc. ) but know that this is but one aspect of energy in what is a much larger picture.

Seek Pathways of Balance right now in your Life. Try not to sweat the small stuff or take the erratic behaviours of others personally – just make sure you’re doing the right thing for yourself and harming no one else, including yourself.

Blessings and Peace to All,

Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam, PhD

Article on the Near Grand Sextile which the Sun & North Node are a part of – http://wp.me/p4OUNS-9r

** The Sun/North Node also form sextiles to Jupiter (17 Leo) and Mars (19 Sag). Those with planets at or near 18 Pisces and 18-19 Taurus will feel this as two powerfully karmic yods.
Image Information: Eve at Eden – geograph.org.uk – 1229365.jpg – Jonathan Billinger [CC-BY-SA-2.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons