It is curious how strongly we hold onto our deepest wounds. How they make us, shape us, break us – to the extent we allow them power over our lives. At once, we seek to transcend – emerging as the caterpillar from the chrysalis, the butterfly that makes it break from the cocoon. And in the same breath, a painful longing, a visceral yearning to go back into the past and mend the shattering of hopes, of love, of emotion. The irrational idea that somehow being better than you were Now, fixing whatever needed fixing in the present, could somehow magically alter the past.
Perhaps it does, in a parallel world .. but that is a different story. The past can never be altered, let’s get that straight – but its hold upon us, its impact upon our evolution, perception of life and path – going forwards – can be shifted.
Is it wrong to love, to attach to such powerful, life-shaping experiences? Is it wrong to want to turn back the clock and reinvent the Self?
No. It just means you’re human. It means you’re alive, and there is a part of you that greatly hopes, yearns and dreams for something different. It means there is a part of you that is unhealed – perhaps you understand it as a sense of ‘incompleteness’, or a dream that was unfulfilled.
That never goes away, it is never erased – but it can stop becoming the dominant theme of your life – with work, with time, and with healing. And perhaps, with the actions in the present, you can heal, and fulfill that which you desire the most. Albeit in a healthier way than the last time
To all those – like myself – now processing the deepest of wounds, the most tender of attachments now posing as shards of broken hopes – they are of course two sides of the same coin – the trick is to realize it and hold that paradox in place. Just as every beginning has the seed of the end and every end has the seed of a beginning. One of the many paradoxes that weaves its way through this Journey we call Life.
But what do you do with all that baggage? The refusal or seeming inability to ‘let it go’, even though one part of you is screaming out for it? The conundrum you face when release seems heartbreaking, but then, so too does continuance?
Fret not, for you still feel. You are still alive. Your dreams have not broken, and where there is a dream, there is a hope. A hope that exists even in the finest of dust that dances in the wind. But that Hope is within you. That Love, That Desire, That Yearning is a call only you can fill. Not the actions of another.
Allow yourselves to feel the unthinkable, turn towards the source of that pain and in it you will find a precious gift. A strength you never knew you had. Go into it, and let it teach you what it is that you truly seek through the experience you are re-living at this time. Chances are, it is a representation of something much larger – and one that you, yourself, in the Now can address, heal and acknowledge – as yourself.
For – as a friend of my said recently – all we really have, is Now
Blessings To All – and for all those in a similar situation of processing – I hope this message brings you some comfort, some guidance and some reassurance.
All is Well.
Priestess Bairavee Balasubramaniam, PhD
Image Information: [Partial image] Eros et thanatos.jpg – By Laure joy (Own work) [CC-BY-SA-3.0 (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/3.0)], via Wikimedia Commons